Saturday, September 7, 2013

My little Frankie




Today's post, and pattern, are both equally hard to write. I know that for some, this will be a hard read. For that reason alone, Ill be posting the pattern first. I understand if you don't wish to read on, but I am equally thankful for anyone that does. This hat, is not for a baby to wear, but more as a keepsake, an acknowledgement, a comfort.



My little Frankie

You will need:
2ply/3ply (Lace/light fingering weight yarn)
2mm hook

R1: Ch3, hdc 8 times in the first chain, join.
R2: Ch2, hdc twice in each stitch around, join.
R3-5: Ch2, hdc in each stitch around, join.
R6: ch1, sc in each stitch around join.

Make a very small pompom and attach to the top.



I know you are probably looking at this hat and wondering why on earth would there ever be a need for such a tiny tiny hat. A hat that fits on the tip of a womans finger. Why?

Well, let me tell you.
3 weeks ago, I pee'd on a stick and that stick told me TADAA you are having a baby! After a long time of trying, it was a moment of excitement, of joy, of happy. A dream of future things and little smiles and tiny toes to blow raspberries on. Quickly, take another test! We have to make sure this is right! 3 sticks and a blood test later, and we'd confirmed that we were indeed having a baby! We nicknamed it Frankie. We told very few people, we wanted to wait a little.

2 weeks ago, the dreams were pushed to the backburner as anxiety set in and I started with some light spotting. No worries, Im thinking. A lot of women spot, some even have entire periods while pregnant! I can deal with this. The next day it was a little heavier, and I decided ok, gotta go get this checked out.
After a lengthy ER visit with my bestie, I had bloods done and a scan and discovered I was 5 weeks, 2 days along and my tiny little Frankie, was in a little itty sack all of 5cm.
Go home, they said. Take it easy. We wont know much but you know a lot of women do spot, if you get crampy or pass clots come back.

On Monday this week, at 6 weeks, 1 day, I sat again in the ER awaiting blood results.

I became a member of a community that to date, Id only supported.

The lady doctor who'd been treating me walks over to where I am sitting in a crowded waiting room. I knew, I knew the second she came over. Every other person was just called out to, and they stood and went. No, she walked over, clipboard in hand. She says to me "Would you like the results here or do you wish to go to elsewhere?"
I knew. I knew and I was angry. Angry that she had thought that it was an ok thing to break the news that my little baby was gone in a packed waiting room. Packed, as in, no sitting room wall to wall people wedged in like sardines. How the heck did she think that was an ok thing to ask?

So I reply with "Id like to go somewhere else, obviously!"

No, we didn't get lead to a room. We got led to a seat at a table in the kiosk, and there she told me that unfortunately it was not good news, my hormone levels were dropping and that there would be no baby.
I'd knew, Id guessed and now Id had confirmation. I wont say I took it ok, I bawled, and I sobbed, and I had the whole snot running down your face thing going on and she just sat there not saying a word.
Once I manage to regain some sort of composure she tells me "It was so early that you wont need any procedure. Go home, let nature take its course, go see your GP in 2-3 days" and with that she stood, shuffled her papers on her clipboard and left.

No time to ask questions. No support. No anything.
In a cruel twist of irony Id left that hospital in the one way Ive spent the last 2 years working against. Empty. With empty hands and an empty heart. I wasn't even offered a flier on grief, or a support group. Nothing.

Its hard to know what to write. I lost Frankie. We lost Frankie. Frankie had passed on. Nothing really sounds right, nothing made sense. What I do know, is I have not lost my fight to change the way early loss and loss in general is dealt with. For a brief moment, I had a baby. It was real, it was there. It was tiny and loved and so very wanted from the very second that line turned blue, it was wanted. Noone has the right to dismiss that like it is nothing and noone, noone ever, should leave the hospital empty handed. I can promise you, I will fight like heck to change that!

25 comments:

  1. So sad to read this. I cant believe how badly they treated you. Following this road myself, I've had my eyes opened to just how many things can go wrong and just how much it hurts at any of pregnancy. Its definitely got me working harder on my angel projects.

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  2. My heart, thoughts and love go out to you, I suffered a loss a while ago, Adam would have been eight this year. I had a full term pregnancy with lots of checks as I have high blood pressure for my previous two boys who are now 14 and 10, I went to the hospital the day before and was monitored and all was ok, I heard his tiny heart beat and felt him kicking me as he always like to do. Then on the following Monday I noticed bleeding in the evening, so we called my parents to baby sit, put the kids to bed and drove to the hospital only to have my world torn for under me. I had lost my little boy at 39 weeks, he had died in my tummy, the placenta had come away and he had lost his life, how could this happen to me !
    The shock was bad enough, then I had to deliver my little son, labour was confusing, the midwives were in shock but caring and eventually my little boy was born. At least I could hold him and see him, but I will never forget that I would never see his eyes looking back at me or hear his cry. I also left that hospital empty, leaving him behind and returning with an empty baby car seat. At the hospital I told the doctors I wanted to try for another baby, it wasn't to replace him but to fulfil our wishes, the good news is that 6 months later I was pregnant again, this was very a very scared time, lots of checks but in the end our daughter was born only weighing 5lbs but healthy.
    Now 7 years on our daughter is still small but feisty and we will never forget our little boy, the charity in the UK Sands ws amazing made up of parents who had lost babies Pre and post natal were an essential lifeline that made me carry on and not curl up and cry forever.
    My love is sent to you, I have polycystic ovaries and was told I may not have children but through strength and determination we have a happy and health family.
    Don't give up, you can't change the past but you can move on with hope and always keep you little one in your heart and your memories as these can never be taken away.
    Sorry for the long message and I hope you don't mind me posting this but whilst fighting back my tears I wanted to share my story and say that it is amazing when people support these charities as they mean so much for us who need them.
    Take care and I wish you all the best. Jules xx On Ravelry I am 'crochetandsmile '.

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  3. I'd like to post something helpful, but there is really nothing to say. I am so sorry for your loss. My GOD bless you and comfort you.

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  4. Sorry to be late.
    I just read this. I am SO sorry for your loss.
    I really hope that God blesses you - in time - with peace.

    Very best wishes. M

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  5. Just reading this post now. I'm so sorry for your loss! What a horrible way to be treated by the hospital! Thoughts & prayers to you & your family!

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  6. I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. So many people don't understand that the moment you discover you are pregnant you are a parent with a child. All ofuour hopes and dreams ar established. We don't lose "pregnancies". We lose children. I wish you comfort.

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  7. https://www.facebook.com/ForAngelBabies

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss, and anonymous- October 30 is right! Knowing how the news can sometimes be broken, the trouble that my dh and I went through with our 5th sweet Angel, she was written off by the doctor's, even though she made it 11 wk 2 d and our other 4 were early losses @ 5 wk and earlier.
    We didn't lose a pregnancy, we didn't just pass products of pregnancy- the moment that we found out that we were expecting the hopes and dreams begin, no matter if this is your 1st loss or your 5th, no matter how many times we say we'll take our time, we won't go running to the baby stores, then the food aversions and the morning sickness starts and we confide in one another the ideas we've had for the nursery, names, what time of year it will be when we break the news to family, and when will it be when we will be having our little darlings.
    but she is so right, we don't lose a pregnancy, we lose our baby, our son or daughter, our hopes and dreams. I am so sorry that any of us are on this journey- it sucks for a very long time time, my dh and I lost our first Brierley Isabel @ 4 wk 3 d on 10/25/05, Henry Philip @ 5 wk on 7/5/06, RuthAnn @ 4 wk 5 d on 2/11/07, Olivia Grace @ 4 wk 1 d on 12/19/08 and our last, as we are no longer able to have children, Lillian 'Lily' Rose @ 11 wk 2 d on 1/7/12. No matter what you are told, take as long as you need to grieve your little one, everyone is different, it may only take a few months, it may take years. Doing what you are doing for other peoples special little one keeps your special little one alive. Many Blessings to You <3

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  9. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I will say that it was good for me to read your story (and the comments). Early last year (2013) I found out I was expecting, and then 11 weeks later, I miscarried. People were supportive luckily, but NO ONE (not even DH) seemed to quite understand that I had lost my baby. That my baby was just as alive to me, as my sister-in-law's (who was born at 22 weeks and died) had been. So, I've sat here suffering in silence and alone, as I can't seem to explain why I'm still grieving. I thank you for your story, and for finding that there are other women who found it as traumatic as I did. Hugs across cyberspace.

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    Replies
    1. Sarah, Know that you are never alone. I do not know what country you are from, but if you are a Facebook user, there are a large amount of support groups on there now that you might like to look into. Having someone understand you and just know, it makes a colossal difference.
      I am terribly sorry for your loss. There is no time limit on grief. One day, you'll feel a little better, a little lighter, a little more like things will be ok. Many hugs right back to you <3

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  10. I just found your blog and read your story, I am so, so sorry for your loss and how that "doctor" treated you. Sadly many doctors are so clinical when they relay the news and people who have not been in your position do not understand there is a grieving period, you lost a baby who was very much loved and wanted

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing this. My daughter lost our grandchild at 11 weeks. Few understood her grief. Thank you for this memory gift I will make for her. She has memory boxes for each of her other children and now she will have something to put in her unborn babies memory box.

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  12. Prayers for you Mamma! I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you!! I lost my little one at 8 wks gestation and I still think of her (of course we don't know for sure but my heart says that my baby was a girl) quite often. I will be making some of your little Frankie hats to take to my ob/gyn office, as that is where I got my terrible news, and I'm sure lots of other women hear it there too. Is there some sort of printable flyer, or tags, or something that we can put with the hats to explain what they are for? Thank you so much for all you do, for writing the patterns and for taking your time to help other women like us!
    God Bless,
    -Angela- guys_girl@att.net

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    1. Thankyou, Sorry for your loss also <3

      Hrm, you know, I never really thought about that, but tags wouldn't be a bad idea. Ill see if I can work something up when I have a moment and if I can get them to work ok Ill add them as a downloadable/printable file so everyone can access them. Its a wonderful idea!

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  13. Hugs and love from a mama who understands. Losses are so hard, especially when people don't know or care how to comfort you.

    Thank you for sharing your lovely talents so those of use who are NOT skilled in pattern designing can still help out!

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss, the was you were treated was heartless. My son and daughter-in-law suffer 2 miscarriages before we were blessed with our grandson Andrew. Not only will I make this hat pattern but I am going to add a tiny blanket, all parents deserve a remembrance of the baby they loss no matter how far in the pregnancy they were. God Bless You and Thank You for sharing your beautiful patterns.

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  15. I know so many pregnant women who have left the hospital with a bad memory and a bill. I would like to donate some of these "little Frankie" hats to my local hosptial, if it is OK with you? Maybe with a little card that says: I Fell In Love With You When You Were Forming In My Womb. Now I Carry You In My Heart Instead Of My Arms.

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    Replies
    1. Absolutely. That is why the patterns are here freely, so people can donate as many as they desire <3

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  16. Oh my God your words were written with emotions, I really appreciate that, the only thing you should know is that (if God wants you to be pregnant nothing in the world will stop that and vis versa),wish you the best and hope you will become a mum soon♡♡♡♡lots of hugs and thank you sooo much for all your free crochet patterns.

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  17. thank you for all the patterns and sharing as I am now making these to donate for little angels. God bless and be with you

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  18. So sad, I'm so sorry that more compassion is not shared on this earth. My daughter had an early loss, but it took us 3 years of trying to get pregnant and we wanted that baby soooo much! That life, ever so brief left Tiny little footprints on all of our hearts. Our little Willow will be missed, and was loved, and grieved for. Willow is in the arms of the angels now. My heart breaks for all of these families that lose their little precious babies. I crochet and I will start donating items and try to help make a difference in this world. (((HUGS))) to each of you who have lost your baby, no matter how small, there is love. ~ Kay in Dallas, TX

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  19. I want to thank you for explaining this as I wondered why on earth does she make a pattern for a baby that obviously is a miscarriage. I have had miscarriages myself and to be talked to and treated as you were... - I am glad I had mine far from home and never got checked. 1st one was on a stand up toilet in Indonesia.
    Many years ago - never forgotten - not the incident and not the baby I lost. If living, it would have been 26 years and aprox 2 mounts now. One never forget!
    After that I had 2 very small but in the end healthy children that are now grown up.And it starts all over again... My son have had 2 children, no miscarriages but early birth of both of them. The first girl died as the doc´s told her mother she was just a young first pregnancy mother and she should stop worrying.
    She died shortly after premature birth.
    Number 2 the doctors checked better and when he as well decided to come early, he was taken care of and he is now 2+ years. I know what pain it causes and honestly, my own miscarriage is nothing compared to, to watch your child to go thru the pain of loosing a child.

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  20. I have just found your site, and this pattern particularly means so much to me. I was pregnant with my second baby in 1996 - first son was a healthy 3 year old at this point. I went for my 12 week scan only to be told that the baby was very small for 12 weeks, maybe I had my dates wrong. We went back the following week, and the week after that and we were told that the baby (yes it was a baby for me) that should be 14 weeks old had died at 6 weeks but my body was still carrying it, still trying to nurture it. I was given medication and within 10 days I had physically miscarried and had to have ERPC procedure.
    I was lucky in that I had another, healthy, son in late 1997.
    I will never forget my angel baby, I believe it was a girl, she had a name and I light a candle on what should have been her birthday and think of her every day.
    20 years on and I am now in a place where I feel able to help others who have lost their babies too, at any stage, which is why I am so glad to have found your page.

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  21. Thank you so much for these patterns. I am getting my birth/breavment doula training soon. I too have lost two babies prayers because we still feel it even years later my daughter would have been 15 and my sons twin 12 ♡ I just made one of these little hats wish I could post a pic but again thanks

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